I love telemarketers.
July 28th, 2005 by Jim Clark
I really do.
My wife and I are sitting on the floor putting together a crib when the phone rings…
Me: “Hello?”
Woman: “Hello, we are conducting a survey about the radio stations in Santa Barbara. We are not trying to sell you anything, and we will not put you on a list for anyone to sell you anything. The survey will only take a few minutes and will let you tell the radio stations in your area what you want to hear. Do you have a few moments to speak with me today?”
[pause]
Me: “What?”
Woman: “We are conducting a survey about the radio stations in your area. Do you have a few moments to speak with me today?”
[pause]
Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch any of that. Would you please repeat it a little slower?”
Woman (slower): “We are conducting a survey… about the radio stations in Santa Barbara… We are not trying to sell you anything… and we will not put you on a list for anyone to sell you anything… The survey will only take a few minutes… and will let you tell the radio stations in your area… what you want to hear… Do you have… a few moments… to speak with me today?”
[pause]
Me: “Say again? Please speak slower, I didn’t understand you.”
Woman (painfully slowly and loudly): “WE… ARE… CONDUCTING… A… SURVEY… ABOUT… THE… RADIO… STATIONS… IN… SANTA BARBARA. WE… ARE… NOT… TRYING… TO… SELL… YOU… ANYTHING… AND… WE… WILL… NOT… PUT… YOU… ON… A… LIST… FOR… ANYONE… TO… SELL… YOU… ANYTHING. THIS… SURVEY… WILL… ONLY… TAKE… A… FEW… MINUTES… AND… WILL… LET… YOU… TELL… THE… RADIO… STATIONS… IN… YOUR… AREA… WHAT… YOU… WANT… TO… HEAR. DO… YOU… HAVE… A… FEW… MOMENTS… TO… SPEAK… WITH… ME… TODAY?”
[long pause]
Me: “Who did you want to speak with?”
Woman: “You!”
Me: “What is this call about?”
Woman: “We are conducting a survey about radio stations in Santa Barbara.”
Me: “Radio stations?”
Woman: “Yes! RADIO… STATIONS!”
Me: “I’m sorry, you must have a wrong number. This isn’t a radio station.”
Woman: “I know this is not a radio station! We are conducting a survey ABOUT radio stations in Santa Barbara. Do you have a few moments to speak with me today?”
[pause]
Me: “What about?”
Woman: “Radio stations in your area!”
Me: “But I’m not listening to the radio.”
Woman: “You don’t need to be listening to the radio right now. This survey will only take a few minutes of your time. Do you have a few minutes to speak with me?”
Me: “I don’t understand. What is this regarding?”
And then I realize that I could go on all night with this woman when I hear:
“We are conducting a survey about the radio stations in your area. We are not trying to sell you anything, and we will not put you on a list for anyone to sell you anything. The survey will only take a few minutes and will let you tell the radio stations in Santa Barbara what you want to hear. Do you have a few moments to speak with me today?”
[pause]
Me: “I didn’t catch half of that. Could you please repeat it? And please speak up.”
The woman repeats her shpeel TWO MORE TIMES.
Then I hear a click and another woman comes on the phone in a very cheery and professional voice, not nearly as tired and exasperated as the other woman.
Supervisor: “Hello, sir, my name is Wanda Jansen and I’m the supervisor of customer relations. Is there an adult in the house between the ages of 35 and 54?”
[pause]
Me: “Hello?”
Supervisor: “Hello. This is Wanda Jansen, supervisor of customer relations. Is there an adult–”
Me: “You must have a wrong number, there’s no Wanda Jarfelsondon here.”
Supervisor: “No, I’m– nevermind. Sir, is there someone in your house between the ages of 35 and 54?”
Me: “That’s the second time you’ve called me ‘sir’.”
(And why wouldn’t she? It’s easy to tell from my voice that I’m clearly a man.)
Supervisor: “…uh, oh, I’m sorry, ma’am.”
Me: “Miss.”
Supervisor: “…er, okay, miss. Are you in that age range?”
Me: “Yes, I think so. Now what is this about?”
Supervisor: “Do you have a few minutes to participate in a survey about radio stations in your area?”
Me: “Have I won something? Is this that morning show?”
Supervisor: “No, this is not a radio contest. It’s a survey.”
Me: “What kind of survey?”
Supervisor: “It’s a survey about the radio stations in– you know what, we’ve already taken enough of your time this evening. Thank you very much, you have a nice night, okay?”
Me: “Is that one of the survey questions?”
Supervisor: “Good bye now.”
Me: “Is this multiple choice?”
[CLICK]
Ahhhh… The most entertaining fifteen minutes I’ve had all day. I’m such a prick.
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