jamesclark.com

I played my first live ukulele performance at a bar during my company’s Holiday/Christmas/End-of-Year party last night.

Continue reading “My first live gig.” »

Today’s annoying statistics:

There are 409 people in the U.S. named Jim Clark. There are 11,530 people in the U.S. and 1,765 people in the U.K. named James Clark.

There are 4,991,477 people in the U.S. with the first name James; statistically, it’s the 1st most popular first name.

A Google search result for “James Clark” yields over 801,000 pages.

My middle name (Andrew) is derived from the Greek name Ανδρεας, which comes from ανηρ (aner) “man” and ανδρος (andros) “of a man”. I interpret that as meaning “a real man’s man”.

I share a birthday with Hillary Clinton, but she is older and has a bigger penis.

Anagrams of my full name include REDNECK ALARM JAWS, LAWN DECK SMEAR JAR and CANDLE WARMS A JERK.

I love you
for too many reasons
So many that I can’t count them all–
I would need to have row upon row of fingers
on a thousand hands
which means I’d need a torso
that is half a mile high
in order to accommodate all my arms
and the sight of me walking down the street
(supported by large trusses on wheels)
would scare small children and make them cry

I love you so much
that it can’t be measured–
If I were to hold my hands apart
and tell you “I love you this much”
my left hand would be here
and my right hand would extend
to the other side of the world
and back around again twice
which would probably hurt a lot
and tear the sleeve of my shirt
(People in France would trip over my elbow
and someone in Beijing would steal my watch)

I will love you
for as long as I live, and even longer–
When the universe has grown tired of
Jay Leno and Tai-Bo and Starbucks and waffle irons
and decides it’s time to implode on itself,
sucking everything inward and crushing it until
there is nothing left, not even dust,
there will be one little speck of light left over
that God will be unable to stamp out
(even with His enormous size 42 billion shoe)
and it will annoy Him so much that He will pull me
down out of Heaven or up from Hell
and smack me for being so persistent
because that indestructable light
will be my love for you

I love you
despite all of these little inconveniences
that wreck my body and tear at my soul–
It will all be worth it
just to see you smile at me
as you hand me an ice cream
cone

So I hear the weather up in the Pacific Northwest is really awful right now.

My mom writes to tell me they now have 3’ of snow and have been without power for 2 days twice in the past week. When they lose power on her ranch, their water pumps stop working and they have to fill pots, buckets and bathtubs full of water for flushing, washing and watering the animals. And when the power does come back on, all the pipes are frozen anyway. Ouch. They’d go drive to somewhere warmer if their car wasn’t buried in the driveway. At least the food in the refrigerator doesn’t rot because it’s so cold in the house, right?

The Seahawks were practically skiing against the Packers on Monday night as the turf was covered and groundskeepers were coming onto the field during timeouts to sweep snow off the 5-yard lines.

Part of me wants to point and laugh at you, Seattle. I look out the window from my office in downtown Santa Barbara right now and I see this:

While I imagine you look out your windows and see this:

Don’t get me wrong, though… I love the snow as much as the next guy who doesn’t have to live in it. In fact, I grew up in Carnation, Washington (population: a whopping 1,850 if you count the wild bears) on a ranch that bordered miles and miles of Weyerhauser tree growing property. Nestled in the middle of nowhere on top of a mountain, we saw plenty of snow in the winter. I remember mornings gathered around the radio, listening for school closure announcements. I loved making snowmen on the front lawn and sledding down the hill and all that fun kid stuff. My memories of dreadful winters are very fond.

But then again, I never had to try to go to work in the stuff as an adult. So in that respect I do feel a little bit of sympathy for the people up there who have to deal with trying not to get their extremities frozen and snapped off as they trundle off to Starbucks.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take my laptop outside and work under a palm tree. They have the air conditioning turned on in my office and it’s a chilly 71 degrees in here. I’m freezing.

thank you

i am eternally grateful
for the little things you do
that light me up like a christmas
                         tree

thank you for smiling at me
thank you for giving me that look,
you know the one
where you see right through
all the bullshit that i keep at the surface
as if it was all made of glass;
you act as if my shields were not even there
when you peer into my very core
and discover all my weaknesses
all my mistakes, my fears, my sins
and every flaw i have ever tried to hide;
you see it all
and here i stand before you
                         completely naked
                         defenseless
                         ready to die
but instead
of taking advantage
of my vulnerable state
you promise
to
reach out
and wrap me up
                         tight
and never let me
                         go
and i
feel safe
if only for
a little
while

thank you
for giving me
                         hope
                         kindness
                         understanding
                         faith
                         a future
                         joy
                         dignity
                         warmth
when all i
asked for
was your
hand

i will forever be in your
                         debt

please tell me how
i can repay you
and i will spend
the rest of my life
making payments to you
i will sign over the deed to my soul
to you as collateral
i will let you foreclose
on my heart
because it already
belongs to you
                         anyway